"I'm sorry for what I've done. I love you mom, thank you for everything..."
Just a few months back, I've read this snippet from a newspaper stating
that a young man took his own life in a hotel, just a few kilometers away
from my dormitory. Never have I read a suicide note, even just a part of it
gave me an uneasy and eerie kind of feeling. The question of why came
hovering over me. It just bothered me why would some people take their
own lives if they know that someone still loves them? Why?
The persistent question, why?
Recently, I've encountered a thread in one of the forums I've signed-up
with containing a "serious suicide problem" message. I was taken aback.
The thread author was right there, at the brink of committing suicide.
No hesitations at all. All he wants was to ask for an advice on how to
make it easy for his parents and friends to understand. Again why?
I replied. I told him that I wouldn't answer his question. I won't allow him
to take his own life. I won't be easy on him.
I told him that I hope he's still reading my post. I hope it's not too late.
It's just so undeniably true that life sucks at times.
That is for me, but for others they say, life sucks all the time.
They say life's full of adversities, obstacles, hardships and unending problems.
Life's just too cruel for them. I can't blame them since I'm not in the same boat
as they are. I don't know how great their problems are, how great their magnitude
is as to end it by pulling the trigger or jumping off a sharp-edged cliff.
To be honest, I'm no expert; I am in no position to tell them what to or not to do.
I don't know how they feel; I'm not suffering a great deal like them. It seems that,
I have no right. But as a Christian, no, I won't just let that slip away so easily.
I am not oblivious to the fact that they're bearing tall, large beams or
crosses at their backs. But still, it's no excuse. There are tons of other people
who are suffering, who are borne with far more impelling and heavier crosses
on their backs. Yet some of them, some of them never did complain.
When presented with this kind of situation, I arrive a certain dilemma.
Should I show these negligent people compassion and understanding or
should I scoff at their miserable way of thinking?
So many people are suffering, crying, almost gasping for life, while others are just
so unwilling to take the offer. What kind of world is this? Is it too harsh that people
don't want to live life anymore and just die, or is it just so wonderful that even the
thread between life and death is thinning and is about to break, you're still there,
hanging, never giving up, cause life's too precious a gift? Will someone please
knock on heaven's door and tell me the answer?
Life is a painful reality. So painful that it seems a burden, no longer a gift.
So many sufferings, piercing through one's being, through one's very soul.
True it seems, yet remember those who didn't renounce their hope and faith inspite
of all the storms. Remember Hellen Keller, a person who died without even seeing
her own face, without seeing the majestic, illuminating stars at night, without hearing
the gushing of the wind and rushing of deep silent waters, without hearing her
mother's voice, without hearing her own. Remember the little children who were born in
the midst of war, or the cancer patients who keep smiling even at the face of death.
Certainly, these people could attest that life is a gift, life is magnificent, life is magical,
and life is precious. How about you? Would you just end that wonderful life these
people held so dearly? You are given the opportunity to see the gleaming sun
when it sets, to hear the melodious humming of birds at dawn, to smell the flowers
that blooms in daylight, to feel the cold breeze of air or feel its warmth in summer .
I can't find the reason why should you end it. Don't ever say that no one loves you
anymore and that you love no one no more. Never.
You are so lucky, you are endowed by our Creator with great gifts yet you keep failing
to look back. You are too busy thinking desperately about your problems, about your
blunders that you forget to live and to stand up once again. Forgetting how to live will
slowly nudge you closer to the edge of the cliff tempting you to just jump off. It will slowly
delude you into thinking that life has no meaning at all, that you have no purpose.
Your thoughts will oppress you all the more, down in that muddy surface you've considered
your home and your grave.
But look, even the rotten apples, even the falling leaves, even the farthest and weakest star,
even a speck of dust, every single one of them has their purpose and importance,
why not you? Are you even comparable to them? Do you even compare yourself to them?
Live. Cherish and savour this moment you are allowed to feel, hear, and see.
Emancipate yourself from worries, from the predicaments of life.
Embrace this very day God has given you to do great things, to do what is right,
and to love the people around you. So many people are hungry and thirsty for love,
yet even the poorest of the poor has something to offer, why can't you?
Suicide is selfish. So selfish that all you care about is how and what you feel.
You are drowned by the thought that no one cares and no one understands you.
You want to be loved, you want to be cared for, you want to be understood.
But have you ever, ever tried to love, care and understand whilst not asking anything in return?
You are lying when you say that you love your parents, your wife, your husband, your son,
your friends yet you'd just let go in those moments they're reaching out for you,
just desiring to even touch the tip of your fingers, just to know you're still there.
As I end this, I remember a person who was at one time about to lose hope, about to lose faith,
about to die. She was once thwarted to see the brilliance of life, about to be blinded and fooled
by her own wretched thinking. But she tightened up her grip of faith, she held on to those who
love her so dearly, grab on to life and gave it a second chance.
I remember this person who glimpsed at life once more and saw that it is a bliss, a splendor to live, to exist.
I remember myself as I write this a long time ago.
I kept this inside my closet, hidden, either be eaten by moths or aged by time.
Yet as long as I live, I'll keep the lessons I've learned from those troubled times in
deepest recesses of my heart, never to be taken away, never to be over-shadowed and
drowned by the turmoil's of life. Never again -(PNX).